The Case for the Stay-at-Home Mom

I've thought about writing this post for a long time. It's a special topic to me - sacred, almost - so I've put it off. But then today I saw all the press about the President's speech in Rhode Island, and I thought, perhaps this is the right time. Perhaps I can spell out this mysterious life I call mine: a stay-at-home mom. And share my perspective. To let people know that there really are people who are not simply "forced" into this stay-at-home situation, but who choose it. Who treasure it, actually. A large, collective group of us.

Since I was a child, I've had ambitions. Career ambitions. I always knew I wanted to go to college. And to have a career. And as natural as those ambitions were, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I think, for most women (not all), the desire to be a mother is innate. It's just in us. Otherwise, why would we have spent so many hours as a young girl playing M.A.S.H.?!

I went to college (BYU), earned a B.A. in communications and worked a couple of years doing PR before heading back for a Master's. Yep - that was on the checklist, too. An MBA. After graduating, I enjoyed a fantastic career with some wonderful companies. Seriously, I had a pretty awesome job. And in the midst of all that, I fell in love, got married, and that "other" list of hopes and dreams was unlocked and began coming true as well.

In 2010, we got pregnant with a baby girl, due January 2011. And that was when I really started thinking, "Hmm...do I want to keep working or stay at home?" I realized the enormity of the decision. I had it all worked out with my employer to work part-time, from home. A pretty awesome gig, if you ask me. I wasn't 100% sure that was what I was going to, but I had a plan in place nonetheless. But when that little girl came - January 10th, 2011 - and those big, baby blue eyes stared up into mine, something changed. I yearned to be with her. I yearned to be the one to share her day with her, to share ALL the milestones with her. To give my all to her. Even if, and here's the clincher, it was to be a sacrifice. Which it was. And continues to be.

Being a stay-at-home mom means you're going to sacrifice something, likely money.

I remember the first year without my paycheck, I was terrified. Can we do this, really? In this day and age, raise a family on ONE income? But you know what ... it's been fine. It's been more than fine. Truly, I believe our family has been blessed to be able to make ends meet just fine so that I could stay at home, because that's what we wanted and prayed for.

I mean, let's be honest. Some things had to change. We don't eat sushi every week. I am not shopping at Nordstrom and Banana Republic like I used to. More of my makeup is now from Wal-Mart than it is a nice department store, and more of my clothes are from Old Navy than Ann Taylor. But really, that's all been fine. And because I'm not working, I don't need a professional wardrobe anyway.

And really, to be a parent, you are going to sacrifice something. If you go back to work, you are sacrificing time with your child. You are sacrificing the daily little things. You are making a tradeoff, either way. But here's where I think society is misinformed: You CAN raise a family on one income. You don't need to keep up with the Jones's like it seems. And the one income doesn't have to be extravagant, either.

Some days it's hard to be a stay-at-home mom. But most days, it's super rewarding.

I've had friends look at me in wonderment at me choosing to leave the workplace and stay at home with my children. It's unfathomable to them. Not in an offensive way, but more in sincere amazement. Yes, it's difficult. But so is a professional career. I wouldn't say it's difficult, just different.

The first year staying at home was hard. I was used to a completely different lifestyle. Going to lunch with peers. Being recognized for my work achievements. Meeting definable goals and objectives and accomplishing them. Bonuses. Paychecks. All of those things were how I'd been taught to measure my self-worth. All of those things created my social network. Heck, they created my identity. Or so I thought.

So yeah, the transition was difficult. Instead of going out to lunch with peers, I was nursing a baby and cleaning spit-up off my shirt. I was inside my house with an infant who couldn't really chitchat or give me a high-five. Yet. But it's been nearly four years since that little gal was born, and I tell you what, she does give me a high-five and chat my ear off. I have learned a different kind of goal-setting; the kind that involves ensuring your child thrives and develops and learns to love life and live it with confidence. I have made a different group of friends - other stay-at-home moms - and we collectively cheer each other on and give each other ideas for how to help our children grow and succeed and be contributors in this world we live in. We go out on girls' nights when we need to catch our breath for a minute or two.

You can and should still have an active mind.

Just because I quit work and chose to be a stay-at-home mom doesn't mean my mind and mental processes took a back seat. Quite the opposite, actually. Any mom or dad will tell you being a parent requires you to exercise some serious thinking outside-the-box and problem-solving skills. If your child comes to you sobbing because she stepped on and smashed some of her plastic food, for example, you ask yourself, "Hmm, how can I re-shape these?" Or if brother and sister come to you asking how to build a fort, you want to deliver, even if you've never built a fort before. You learn how to stitch dress-up clothes back together. You learn how to remove permanent mascara from things you never imagined could have permanent mascara on them.

But in addition to those perhaps silly or lighter types of things, you problem-solve the real stuff, like how to help your 3-year-old daughter overcome her stutter that gets worse by the day. How to help your son gain weight. How to best teach your little one letters and sounds. How to teach your children to love, to recognize the beauty in everyday life, to handle change and situations that hurt.

And after all of that, you still are you, after all. You pursue your hobbies and the topics and activities that interest you. Last year, with a 1 and 3-year-old, I joined a community choir. I was out with friends singing my lungs out every Thursday night. Did I feel guilty for leaving my family? Nope. I love to sing, and being in the choir rejuvenated me. (I'd be in it this year, too, except I knew I'd be pregnant with baby #3 and tired out of my mind!) It's still important for us stay-at-home parents to keep an active mind and pursue those activities that mentally challenge us and that we thrive on.

Being a stay-at-home mom means more time together with the whole family.

I've realized now how much of the chores I can get done while my husband is at work. Because no matter whether you're a working parent or a stay-at-home one, the laundry's got to get done, the house has to be cleaned, dinner has to be cooked, and so forth. I love that I can do these things during the weekdays so that we can all spend more time together in the evenings when daddy comes home. The evenings are relaxing and fun. In many ways, being a stay-at-home parent allows you to maximize time together as a family. Our Saturdays are almost always devoted to doing something as a family. It's great.

Were our grandparents and earlier generations unhappy?

Sometimes I balk at this word called progress. Frankly, I believe most everything we've changed has been taken to an extreme. Do I believe a woman has a right to vote and to work at her choosing? Of course. But do I believe that staying at home and raising my children is archaic, old-fashioned, and any other negative stereotype that has come to be associated with it (For instance, compared to an episode of Mad Men)? No way! It's actually a blessing and a privilege, and I daresay a luxury. Society and the media may try to create a negative picture of a working father and a stay-at-home mother, but that little girl inside most every grown woman still wishes to be a mom and to be devotedly loved by her husband. Some things overpower the facade that mainstream media tries to portray.

And that leads me to ask: were our grandparents - those who clung more to these traditions of monogamous and lifelong marriage - and the mom devoted to her children and raising them inside the home - were they unhappy? Or as a society do we just try to convince ourselves of that to make us feel better for not choosing the same?

I can tell you, my grandparents were happy. All four of them. Both of my grandpas worked, hard, to support their families. And both my grandmas stayed home and raised their children. One set of my grandparents were poor; another set more middle class. But if you asked either one of my grandmothers whether they'd prefer to pursue an ambitious career and make loads of money or whether to stay at home and rear their children, they'd tell you the latter.

I was a latchkey kid, and I hated it.

So I do have some credibility, friends. I came from not-the-best home environment. My mother was a severe alcoholic who, beginning when I was about seven or eight, was dysfunctional enough that she couldn't take care of my sister and me. I would go to friends' houses after school or hole myself up in my bedroom till my dad came home. Heaven knows what my sister (just a toddler back then) was doing.

My parents divorced when I was 10 and I couldn't have been more relieved, honestly. I actually looked forward to my dad finding a "new mom" to be with my sister and me. Two years later my dad married a military peer of his. There was no way she was going to stay at home and watch us. My father's parents lived with us for a time and so my grandmother took care of my sister and me. But soon after, my grandfather passed and my grandmother began suffering from Alzheimer's.

By that time, I was old enough to take care of my sister and me when we both came home from school. And you know what, we both survived and it was fine. But man alive, I can't tell you how I coveted my friends whose mothers had snacks waiting for them when they came home from school, or a parent to cry to when I'd had a rough day or just a parent to talk to. While I knew I was loved, I did not have the ideal, and I longed for it. I fantasized for a loving mother who sent me off to school with a kiss and met me at home after school with one, too.

The safest place, and the place where your children will thrive the most, is at home with a parent.

I believe the statement above, and the reason is solely because we as a parent love our children more than anyone else. Our children know that, and they thrive on our love and the home we've created for them. Home is a haven, truly, from the craziness of the world. Home is a safe "testing ground" for our young ones - where they can sing, dance, dress up, explore, fall and hurt themselves, and in essence figure out who they are in those early formidable years - and all in a place where mom or dad can cheer them on, encourage, discourage, or whatever else. I truly believe a child at home with mom or dad receives an extra boost of self-confidence during those early years.

Disclaimers

Now here are the disclaimers. I know that being a stay-at-home parent is not for everyone, for all sorts of reasons. There are lots of single parents who of course need to work. There are families that really do require two incomes to live off of. There are working moms or dads who wish they could be at home with their children. Heaven knows there are all sorts of scenarios. I am not judging or trying to make anyone feel guilty. I am merely stating a case for the stay-at-home mom (or dad) because there is certainly one to be made.

In the end, I believe us stay-at-home moms are so blessed to be able to do so. And we are benefitting our children in ways I haven't even touched on. Countless ways, really. We are contributing to society so much more than society gives us credit for. But who cares, really, whether society gives us credit or not? We can look into our children's eyes and the reward is there. In our children. We are their champions and they are ours. And it is beautiful, indeed.